Emotional regulation is the ability to recognize, manage and balance emotions and behaviors caused by emotional responses. Studies show that children can learn more easily when they are regulated, so these skills are very important!
How can all caregivers (parents, teachers, and therapists) teach emotional regulation?
Start early: According to Dr. Lochman, PhD, infants who are quick to react and hard to soothe are more likely to have trouble managing emotions as they get older. Caregivers can speak to babies and young children about feelings, even if they may not completely understand yet. This can be done by pointing out in a book or movie when characters feel happy, sad, worried, mad, etc.
Talk and teach: Teach children to be aware of their emotions and recognize what emotions they are feeling. Instead of trying to converse with children when they’re upset, wait until they calm down to recap what they just felt and how could they have handled their emotions differently if their behaviors were not appropriate.
Model good behavior: Dr. Alan Kazdin, PhD, explains that the old saying, “Do as I say, not as I do” is extremely unrealistic. Children learn through modeling. When caregivers show children how they appropriately handle their emotions, children are more likely to mimic those behaviors. If caregivers display out of control behaviors, children are more likely to believe that is “normal”.
Stay calm: When children are having a tantrum, caregivers can often lose their cool. Before that happens, take a minute to calm down, and then address the situation. It is important to remember that pausing before engaging is not allowing the child to get what they want, but rather, avoiding making an impulsive decision that will set the child off even more.
Act it out: Role playing and rehearsing is a great way to prepare children on how to deal with their emotions in the real world. A caregiver can pretend to be a peer or classmate and act out a situation that elicits an emotional response from the child. Then, both the caregiver and child can run through different scenarios and the consequences of them.
Praise more, punish less: Studies have proven that it is more effective to praise children often when making a good choice compared to only punishing when children make a poor choice. It is common for caregivers to have this mindset: The child is quiet and not bothering anyone, so leave them alone. However, when the child makes a poor decision, much attention is given to them in the form of reprimands, yells, time outs, etc. This teaches the child that in order to get attention (of any kind), they need to make a poor choice. However, if mostly praise is used, they learn that they get more attention and things they want for making good choices.
Be a team: All caregivers, including parents, grandparents, teachers, therapists, etc., should follow a coordinated approach on self-regulation, and the type of reinforcement that comes with it. Children thrive on consistency so it is imperative that the rules are generally the same in every environment.
Check your expectations: Children will not always have perfect behavior. It is important to realize what kind of situation the child is in when critiquing their behavior. For example, if the child is experiencing a legitimately scary situation, their behaviors will be different when compared to a minor stressful event.
Take the long view: Learning is a life-long process! As children get older, teachings of emotional regulation can become more involved and higher level. Emotional development continues throughout every stage of a child’s life, and even into adulthood!